The Greatest Story Never Told

Thanks to SBC Interolomos Communications, it is now possible to converse with the souls of the departed, no matter in what olom they are. Considering the holidays this weekend, the Glazerbeam has obtained an exclusive interview with the soul of man we will call "JC" who provided a unique perspective on the events that are commemorated the world over this Friday and Sunday.

G: Thank you for granting the Glazerbeam this interview. Now, when did your problems with the Romans begin?
JC: Remember when I rode into Jerusalem on a jackass? I didn't own one, so I borrowed a jackass from one of the Apostles. How was I to know it was stolen? I mean, Balaam's donkey tipped him off when there was trouble ahead, but his one didn't say anything. The Romans didn't file charges then, but they opened an investigative file on me.

G: Why did Judas Iscariot rat you out?
JC: He was operating Iscariot's Frankincense and Myrrh, across from the Huldah gate. So, it was expected that people would be coming and going from there all the time with little bottles. Now, guess what his real cash product was.

G: Crystal meth!
JC: You got it! It was a good product, too. Pretty soon every orgy in Rome had to have some. After some centurions in plain-toga made a few buys, the Romans had enough evidence to make him lion-brunch. But the Imperial Prosecutor offered to drop the meth case if Judas would finger me on a treason rap.

G: Why would the Prosecutor do that?
JC: I reckon he just wanted to nail me.

G: How did you feel about the double-cross?
JC: I felt that a single one was enough.

G: How did Pontius Pilate treat you?
JC: Not bad. He even offered me a plea-bargain. If I'd plead guilty to one count of Grand Theft- Jackass, I'd get off with 6 weeks of community service at the Caesarea army camp kitchen and four points. But I knew I was innocent on the treason rap, so I went to trial. The rest is history.

G: Did the other Apostles whack Judas for rolling on you?
JC: They couldn't. Before the trial was even over, the centurions whisked Judas off to Gaul and into the Roman Protection Program.

G: Why didn't you appeal your sentence?
JC: I tried to. The local chapter of the Roman Civil Liberties Union whipped-up a great appeal brief, but when the lawyer got to the provincial courthouse it was Friday afternoon----one of those casual Fridays, toga-optional---and the door was locked. A sign said, " Thank Jupiter its Friday. We closed early to give our employees a long weekend. Have a nice day!" I guess that didn't include me.

G: Your followers have waited two thousand years for your Second Coming. Are you ever coming back to our world?
JC: Considering how things turned out last time, would you hurry back?

G: There has been a lot of dispute lately over whether, if you came back, you would drive a SUV. Would you?
JC: No way, too many rollovers. My ride would be a silver-gray Lexus with wire-rims. I mean, that's a car for a savior.

G: Thousands of girls are walking around with bracelets with the letters WWJD for What Would Jesus Do. If you were back, what would you do?
JC: The first thing I'd do would be to deep-six all those dumb bracelets.

Legal Weapon

"A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state,
the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."
Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States

Whenever a shooting incident, like the one at the Brookfield Sheraton on March 12, shocks the public, people ask why Americans (regardless of mental condition) can own and use guns. The answer is the Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights quoted above. How this came to be, and what efforts have been made to regulate gun ownership, are the subjects of this Glazerbeam.

1. What was the role of the militia in America when the Bill of Rights was adopted?
Before the American Revolution, all free white males over 18 years were expected to join the militia in each colony, bringing their own guns from home. The original role of the militia was to repel Indian attacks.
After July 4, 1776, all the state militias joined the Continental Army under General George Washington. The militia formed 71% of this army, and participated in most of the early battles against the British.
The Constitution gave the President the right to command all the state militias when in service to the United States (1).

2. Why was the Second Amendment adopted?
When the Bill of Rights was drawn up, most state constitutions included the right to keep and bear arms. Some of the framers of the Bill of Rights feared that a future president might abolish the state militias and use the US Army to rule the country. James Madison wrote that the best way to secure American liberty was to keep an armed and trained militia much larger than the US Army (2).

3. Did the militias ever really fight against the US Army?
Yes. When eleven southern states left the Union in late 1860 and early 1861 and formed the Confederacy, their state militias came under the control of Confederate President Jefferson Davis and were among the first to battle federal troops in the Civil War.

4. Do the state militias exist today?
In 1903 Congress organized the militias into the Army National Guard.

5. When did the federal government begin to control gun-owership?
Does federal gun-control violate the Second Amendment?
Federal laws passed in 1934 and 1938 required licensing of gun dealers and limited ownership of machine-guns and sawed-off shotguns.
In 1939 the US Supreme Court ruled in US vs Miller (3) that the Second Amendment did not ban federal limitations on guns not used by a state militia. (Miller and his co-defendents were gangsters.)
In 1976 the US Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit ruled in US vs Waring (4) that the Second Amendment granted the right to bear arms to the states, not individuals. The US Supreme Court has neither affirmed nor reversed Waring, so it may be cited as precedent in future gun-control litigation, but is not binding in any other federal circuit.
Since the Waring decision, Congress has enacted the Brady Act (1992) which requires background-checks of gun-buyers. This Act was upheld, except that provisions requiring state co-operation were ruled unenforceable.

6. What have states done to control gun-ownership?
Most states prohibit convicted felons and those judged insane from owning and bearing firearms. Wisconsin, along with 26 other states, also bans carrying concealed weapons in public, except by police and federal agents.

7. Republicans say that if ordinary citizens could carry concealed guns, the criminals would be afraid to commit crimes. Are they right?
A comparison of gun-violence in Seattle, Washington (which permits concealed carry) and Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (which does not), between 1980 and 1984 showed a much higher rate of shooting deaths in Seattle than Vancouver (5).
If you were threatened by an armed robber, and you pulled your own gun out of your pocket, he would have to shoot you. Is that better than losing your wallet?

8. Can we allow law-abiding citizens to have guns, and still keep them out of the hands of the criminal and the insane?
Unfortunately, no. Criminals can steal guns or buy them from friends who have a clean record. Often perpetrators of outrageous crimes, such as the Brookfield shooting, have had no prior record of crime or mental illness, and could have passed the most exacting background check. (6)

9. If all privately-owned guns were eliminated, would violent crime be reduced? Is a gun-free America possible?
Hypothetically speaking, elimination of guns from the American public would reduce murder and robbery big-time.
There are over 200 million firearms in American homes and businesses; to seize them all would require a huge army and drastic violations of Fourth Amendment rights. This is not going to happen.
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(1)US Constitution, Article II, Section 2, paragraph 1.
(2)The Federalist Number 46.
(3) 307US174, 1939.
(4)500F.2d103,1976.
(5)New England Journal of Medicine, Nov. 10, 1988. Handguns were 4.8 times more likely to be used in homicides in Seattle than Vancouver. The rate of handgun assaults in Seattle was 7 times the Vancouver rate
(6)Booth, Oswald, Sirhan and Chapman (who killed John Lennon) had no criminal record. Neither did Charles J Whitman, who shot 33 people from a tower in Austin, Texas, on August 1, 1966. John Hinckley (who wounded President Reagan on March 31, 1981) bought his gun legally, even though he was being treated for mental illness at the time. Brookfield killer Terry Ratzmann passed the required background-=check in 48 hours without any probem.