Real State of the Union
My Fellow Americans,
Tonight I have decided to skip all the armchair-patriot clap-trap and warm fuzzy introductions, and tell you the real State of the Union and what we can do about it (gasps from the gallery). Although the State of our Union is good, we have serious problems. To make any headway whatsoever against them will require real sacrifices, not only from our soldiers, the poor, and those too young or sick to vote. Real sacrifices will also be required of middle-aged affluent suburbanites! (stunned silence.) That is why none of the bills I am introducing tonight will ever pass.
But first, let's look at America's position in the world. I have ordered our State Department to deliver the following messages to other governments around the world.
To North Korea: We are sick and tired of your nuclear blackmail and extortion. I have ordered the delivery of five atom bombs and missile systems to the Republic of South Korea. Address all further threats and demands to Seoul----you won't even need a translator.
To Iran: We would love to change your regime, but we're still bogged down in Iraq, and the American people won't support another war anytime soon, especially in the Middle East. We don't trust you crackpots with nuclear weapons, but it looks like we can't stop you from building them. So, I have decided to sponsor Israel as the next new member of NATO. That way if you choose the path of nuclear jihad, you will experience all the glories of martyrdom faster than you can say "Margh bar Carter." (1)
To the Palestine Authority: Congatulations on your first fair parliamentary elections; now we all know whether your people really want peace . If you want to negotiate with Israel, call the Prime Minister. If you ever need money, call Mrs. Suha Arafat, who has recently come into quite a bundle and loves the Palestinian people very much. Lose the number to my Oval Office direct line, snce I changed it and put the new number on the Do Not Call List.
To Iraq: We know now that Sadam Hussein never had weapons of mass destruction and Iraq was never a threat to the United States. Unfortunately, we had to use real bombs in our "Shock and Awe" attack to protect ourselves from Sadam's imaginary ones, and quite a few Iraqi civilians got killed and hurt. Sorry about that. I am chagrined that some of your people are still sore at the US for that, even though anyone could tell that what we did was meant for the best.
We do not regret having deposed that dirty dog Sadam and given you a chance for democracy. We have given you money, arms, and training, and will continue to provide help. But with our own Presidential Election coming up in just two years, I am sure you understand that I cannot saddle the next Republican ticket with an unpopular war. Our soldiers will be home by Election Day, 2008, and I wish you all the best of luck in beating the insurgency. "Aleikum es-salaam!" (2)
Our worst domestic problem is the federal deficit, about $400 billion this year. We have gone from a surplus to humungus deficits for two reasons: increased military spending and boffo tax cuts. I have always agreed with our late former President Ronald Reagan (applause from Republican side of the aisle) that tax cuts stimulate the economy so much that actual taxes collected increase (huge ovation from Republicans). Well, we tried that for the past five years, and it didn't work. But I learned from this failure; accordingly I propose repealing all the tax-cuts since 2000 (boos from GOP side). Moreover, I am submitting plans for a War Surtax equal to the total cost of the War on Terror and Iraq War for every year till we win those wars! (Pandemonium on the Republican side, Democrats cheer lustily)
The impending retirement of the huge Baby Boom Generation means trouble for Social Security in the future. The only ways to save the System are to reduce promised benefits, increase taxes, or do both. Accordingly, I am proposing to raise the age of eligibility for full benefits gradually to 70, and removing the cap on earnings subject to the Social Security Tax. ( Pandemonium and suicides throughout the Chamber).
Our Border Patrol catches millions of illegal immigrants every year and sends them back to Mexico, where they rest up and then sneak across the border again. Obviously, this strategy is not working. They come here looking for good jobs, but we Americans know that most of those jobs have already been outsourced to China. Accordingly, I have ordered that illegals caught by the Border Patrol be given one-way tickets to Shanghai and a Berlitz Spanish-Mandarin dictionary. "Hasta la vista, amigos!"
In order to protect America from more attacks, I have authorized the National Security Agency (NSA) to record phone calls of suspected terrorists. The suspects are speaking Arabic, Farsi, and Pashto (3), only we don't know which. If anyone out there has a clue about any of these languages, apply at the NSA. We're looking for a few good men, provided they're straight.
Good night and good luck! (Yeah, I did see that one.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Popular chant during the 1979 hostage crisis meaning "Death to Carter."
(2) Arabic for "Aleichem Shalom", meaning "To you, peace."
(3) Spoken in Afghanistan.
Tonight I have decided to skip all the armchair-patriot clap-trap and warm fuzzy introductions, and tell you the real State of the Union and what we can do about it (gasps from the gallery). Although the State of our Union is good, we have serious problems. To make any headway whatsoever against them will require real sacrifices, not only from our soldiers, the poor, and those too young or sick to vote. Real sacrifices will also be required of middle-aged affluent suburbanites! (stunned silence.) That is why none of the bills I am introducing tonight will ever pass.
But first, let's look at America's position in the world. I have ordered our State Department to deliver the following messages to other governments around the world.
To North Korea: We are sick and tired of your nuclear blackmail and extortion. I have ordered the delivery of five atom bombs and missile systems to the Republic of South Korea. Address all further threats and demands to Seoul----you won't even need a translator.
To Iran: We would love to change your regime, but we're still bogged down in Iraq, and the American people won't support another war anytime soon, especially in the Middle East. We don't trust you crackpots with nuclear weapons, but it looks like we can't stop you from building them. So, I have decided to sponsor Israel as the next new member of NATO. That way if you choose the path of nuclear jihad, you will experience all the glories of martyrdom faster than you can say "Margh bar Carter." (1)
To the Palestine Authority: Congatulations on your first fair parliamentary elections; now we all know whether your people really want peace . If you want to negotiate with Israel, call the Prime Minister. If you ever need money, call Mrs. Suha Arafat, who has recently come into quite a bundle and loves the Palestinian people very much. Lose the number to my Oval Office direct line, snce I changed it and put the new number on the Do Not Call List.
To Iraq: We know now that Sadam Hussein never had weapons of mass destruction and Iraq was never a threat to the United States. Unfortunately, we had to use real bombs in our "Shock and Awe" attack to protect ourselves from Sadam's imaginary ones, and quite a few Iraqi civilians got killed and hurt. Sorry about that. I am chagrined that some of your people are still sore at the US for that, even though anyone could tell that what we did was meant for the best.
We do not regret having deposed that dirty dog Sadam and given you a chance for democracy. We have given you money, arms, and training, and will continue to provide help. But with our own Presidential Election coming up in just two years, I am sure you understand that I cannot saddle the next Republican ticket with an unpopular war. Our soldiers will be home by Election Day, 2008, and I wish you all the best of luck in beating the insurgency. "Aleikum es-salaam!" (2)
Our worst domestic problem is the federal deficit, about $400 billion this year. We have gone from a surplus to humungus deficits for two reasons: increased military spending and boffo tax cuts. I have always agreed with our late former President Ronald Reagan (applause from Republican side of the aisle) that tax cuts stimulate the economy so much that actual taxes collected increase (huge ovation from Republicans). Well, we tried that for the past five years, and it didn't work. But I learned from this failure; accordingly I propose repealing all the tax-cuts since 2000 (boos from GOP side). Moreover, I am submitting plans for a War Surtax equal to the total cost of the War on Terror and Iraq War for every year till we win those wars! (Pandemonium on the Republican side, Democrats cheer lustily)
The impending retirement of the huge Baby Boom Generation means trouble for Social Security in the future. The only ways to save the System are to reduce promised benefits, increase taxes, or do both. Accordingly, I am proposing to raise the age of eligibility for full benefits gradually to 70, and removing the cap on earnings subject to the Social Security Tax. ( Pandemonium and suicides throughout the Chamber).
Our Border Patrol catches millions of illegal immigrants every year and sends them back to Mexico, where they rest up and then sneak across the border again. Obviously, this strategy is not working. They come here looking for good jobs, but we Americans know that most of those jobs have already been outsourced to China. Accordingly, I have ordered that illegals caught by the Border Patrol be given one-way tickets to Shanghai and a Berlitz Spanish-Mandarin dictionary. "Hasta la vista, amigos!"
In order to protect America from more attacks, I have authorized the National Security Agency (NSA) to record phone calls of suspected terrorists. The suspects are speaking Arabic, Farsi, and Pashto (3), only we don't know which. If anyone out there has a clue about any of these languages, apply at the NSA. We're looking for a few good men, provided they're straight.
Good night and good luck! (Yeah, I did see that one.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Popular chant during the 1979 hostage crisis meaning "Death to Carter."
(2) Arabic for "Aleichem Shalom", meaning "To you, peace."
(3) Spoken in Afghanistan.
posted by Gerald S Glazer at 1:00 PM
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