The Greatest Story Never Told
Thanks to SBC Interolomos Communications, it is now possible to converse with the souls of the departed, no matter in what olom they are. Considering the holidays this weekend, the Glazerbeam has obtained an exclusive interview with the soul of man we will call "JC" who provided a unique perspective on the events that are commemorated the world over this Friday and Sunday.
G: Thank you for granting the Glazerbeam this interview. Now, when did your problems with the Romans begin?
JC: Remember when I rode into Jerusalem on a jackass? I didn't own one, so I borrowed a jackass from one of the Apostles. How was I to know it was stolen? I mean, Balaam's donkey tipped him off when there was trouble ahead, but his one didn't say anything. The Romans didn't file charges then, but they opened an investigative file on me.
G: Why did Judas Iscariot rat you out?
JC: He was operating Iscariot's Frankincense and Myrrh, across from the Huldah gate. So, it was expected that people would be coming and going from there all the time with little bottles. Now, guess what his real cash product was.
G: Crystal meth!
JC: You got it! It was a good product, too. Pretty soon every orgy in Rome had to have some. After some centurions in plain-toga made a few buys, the Romans had enough evidence to make him lion-brunch. But the Imperial Prosecutor offered to drop the meth case if Judas would finger me on a treason rap.
G: Why would the Prosecutor do that?
JC: I reckon he just wanted to nail me.
G: How did you feel about the double-cross?
JC: I felt that a single one was enough.
G: How did Pontius Pilate treat you?
JC: Not bad. He even offered me a plea-bargain. If I'd plead guilty to one count of Grand Theft- Jackass, I'd get off with 6 weeks of community service at the Caesarea army camp kitchen and four points. But I knew I was innocent on the treason rap, so I went to trial. The rest is history.
G: Did the other Apostles whack Judas for rolling on you?
JC: They couldn't. Before the trial was even over, the centurions whisked Judas off to Gaul and into the Roman Protection Program.
G: Why didn't you appeal your sentence?
JC: I tried to. The local chapter of the Roman Civil Liberties Union whipped-up a great appeal brief, but when the lawyer got to the provincial courthouse it was Friday afternoon----one of those casual Fridays, toga-optional---and the door was locked. A sign said, " Thank Jupiter its Friday. We closed early to give our employees a long weekend. Have a nice day!" I guess that didn't include me.
G: Your followers have waited two thousand years for your Second Coming. Are you ever coming back to our world?
JC: Considering how things turned out last time, would you hurry back?
G: There has been a lot of dispute lately over whether, if you came back, you would drive a SUV. Would you?
JC: No way, too many rollovers. My ride would be a silver-gray Lexus with wire-rims. I mean, that's a car for a savior.
G: Thousands of girls are walking around with bracelets with the letters WWJD for What Would Jesus Do. If you were back, what would you do?
JC: The first thing I'd do would be to deep-six all those dumb bracelets.
G: Thank you for granting the Glazerbeam this interview. Now, when did your problems with the Romans begin?
JC: Remember when I rode into Jerusalem on a jackass? I didn't own one, so I borrowed a jackass from one of the Apostles. How was I to know it was stolen? I mean, Balaam's donkey tipped him off when there was trouble ahead, but his one didn't say anything. The Romans didn't file charges then, but they opened an investigative file on me.
G: Why did Judas Iscariot rat you out?
JC: He was operating Iscariot's Frankincense and Myrrh, across from the Huldah gate. So, it was expected that people would be coming and going from there all the time with little bottles. Now, guess what his real cash product was.
G: Crystal meth!
JC: You got it! It was a good product, too. Pretty soon every orgy in Rome had to have some. After some centurions in plain-toga made a few buys, the Romans had enough evidence to make him lion-brunch. But the Imperial Prosecutor offered to drop the meth case if Judas would finger me on a treason rap.
G: Why would the Prosecutor do that?
JC: I reckon he just wanted to nail me.
G: How did you feel about the double-cross?
JC: I felt that a single one was enough.
G: How did Pontius Pilate treat you?
JC: Not bad. He even offered me a plea-bargain. If I'd plead guilty to one count of Grand Theft- Jackass, I'd get off with 6 weeks of community service at the Caesarea army camp kitchen and four points. But I knew I was innocent on the treason rap, so I went to trial. The rest is history.
G: Did the other Apostles whack Judas for rolling on you?
JC: They couldn't. Before the trial was even over, the centurions whisked Judas off to Gaul and into the Roman Protection Program.
G: Why didn't you appeal your sentence?
JC: I tried to. The local chapter of the Roman Civil Liberties Union whipped-up a great appeal brief, but when the lawyer got to the provincial courthouse it was Friday afternoon----one of those casual Fridays, toga-optional---and the door was locked. A sign said, " Thank Jupiter its Friday. We closed early to give our employees a long weekend. Have a nice day!" I guess that didn't include me.
G: Your followers have waited two thousand years for your Second Coming. Are you ever coming back to our world?
JC: Considering how things turned out last time, would you hurry back?
G: There has been a lot of dispute lately over whether, if you came back, you would drive a SUV. Would you?
JC: No way, too many rollovers. My ride would be a silver-gray Lexus with wire-rims. I mean, that's a car for a savior.
G: Thousands of girls are walking around with bracelets with the letters WWJD for What Would Jesus Do. If you were back, what would you do?
JC: The first thing I'd do would be to deep-six all those dumb bracelets.
posted by Gerald S Glazer at 11:02 AM
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